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 Birth - Day

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Pierrot

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Posts : 38
Join date : 2012-07-17
Age : 21
Location : Here and there

PostSubject: Birth - Day   Tue Jul 17, 2012 6:27 am

Birth-Day is a short dystopian prose I wrote a few days ago. Didn't edit it much but still, have a look at it. Feedback is appreciated.

In this age of evolved technology, it feels as if the sky has turned black. As if, darkness had taken over; leaving us in this never-ending nightmare. "Peace" just seems like a fabrication of reality that the ones controlling our country use. They use the word "peace" to get their way with the people. They say that they're working for the better future of our country. What a load of crap. Them? Working for our betterment? That's just a load of crap.

When children would be born in this country, the countdown would begin for the day when they would grow 10 years old. The age when children would get their Birth-Marks which was a symbol of their Second Birth; the day when a child had a Birth-Mark planted in his or her body. A Birth-Mark was a device that the government used to keep track of the child. From the age of 10 till they died, they knew everything about him or her. It's as if they even held control over the child's heartbeat. There isn't any way for a child to escape the Birth-Day. Leaving the country is out of question, as the government has the city to be isolated from all other countries. One could enter, but could not leave again which was this country's, Berath's, curse and along it... our curse too.
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RoseReveries

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Posts : 45
Join date : 2012-07-10
Location : Alone.

PostSubject: Re: Birth - Day   Tue Jul 17, 2012 7:19 am

I really like this, it could even be a good beginning to a novel. The only things I see that are a bit odd is the use of "load of crap" twice very close together at the end of that first paragraph, and maybe the sentence "The age when children would get their birth-marks which was a symbol of their second birth; the day when a child had a birth-mark planted on his or her body.". I feel as if this is a bit repetitive, and it could be stated in a different way.

But keep up the good work Very Happy I love reading your writing^^
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Pierrot

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Posts : 38
Join date : 2012-07-17
Age : 21
Location : Here and there

PostSubject: Re: Birth - Day   Tue Jul 17, 2012 7:37 am

I agree with you on those two and I will edit it later. Thank you for your feedback though. Smile
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